Scars...we all have them.
Some wear more than others...and some are hidden that many around us aren't even aware of.
Painful experiences...we all have those, too. Some of which creep up in the middle of the night, haunting us and reminded of in a nightmare.
Some of these we may have chosen to forget, some that we have avoided, and others we seem we cannot shake.
They have been tattooed into our story...they have become another part of our testimony.
We cannot go back and change what has happened, and I believe that these experiences will never fully go away. Different moments of our lives will trigger these specific memories and we may feel as if we have to re-live that moment we pray to forget all over again.
Last night was one of those nights for me.
If only I could figure out what brought one of these experiences to surface for me... interrupted from a deep sleep...haunted by a situation that felt so out of my control...yet was totally in my control...
As I lied there last night, so much emotion, fear, and shame suffocated me...it was insanely hard to breathe...
So many thoughts raced through my mind...
How could I let that happen? Why did I let that happen? I'm stronger than that....
The pain grew worse and worse...why is this even coming to surface right now?! I thought I had put this behind me? I thought I had grieved this? I don't remember this hurting like this before? Am I just now realizing how fucked up that was and what truly happened ?
*please excuse my language*
It was awful.
What started off as disappointment...irrational..then turned to annoyance...anger...fuck it mode...
Then the tears flooded...embarrassment...stupidity...weakness...then blacking out...it briefly becomes a blur....if only that blur could have been longer....
The following day led to guilt, more embarrassment, avoidance, and denial.
All of sudden, choosing to pretend it never happened, going about my day...feeling numb...zom ie-like...totally aware of what had just happened yet totally unaware of what truly had just taken place over that 24-hour period.
So many different emotions and so much shit that just continued to spiral out of control....
Next, all that I could do was sleep...
Upon waking up, I still couldn't even focus on the biggest part that truly had fucked me up from this situation. At this moment, I found a way to channel my emotion to anger and blame on the initial cause to this whole spiral...
Looking at it now, that pain was easier than facing what I'm finally having to face in full right now...
The day slipped away and the evening followed...I thought I was in better company...shit, I thought at that time anything was better than where I could have been.
Why was I here? I had no way out. I didn't have a vehicle...I was stuck...here...and if I wasn't here...I'd have to be there...which was just as awful sounding.
I should have been stronger...why wasn't I stronger? How did I let this happen?
My dignity was stripped...I couldn't speak...its like time came to a stop but the movie kept playing...how in the hell was it supposed to end? When was it going to end? I just wanted it to stop.
I just wanted to go home....this scar was a lot bigger than I realized.... _________________________________________________________________________________________________ I really wish I knew what caused this nightmare last night.
Moral of the story here, as I just vomited out the emotions I've just had to re-live, we all have parts of our story many are unaware of.
We all carry around demons and have many scars that we have hidden from the world...ones that have shaped us and have become part of our identity whether we choose to admit it or not.
This is one of those dark stories that I've even kept from sharing with myself.
Although this is heavy and I appreciate you all bearing through this specific blog because I most definitely will state that this one was 100% for me. It's insanely vulnerable for me to expose this out in the open but hopefully this is able to speak to someone while also allowing me to use this as an outlet of expression...a way to grieve and get this horrifying experience off of my chest without having to actually tell anyone what happened.
I can't go back in time to change it...
...But I have a choice.
We always have a choice. What am I learning from this? How am I going to handle it now that it has randomly crept back up for me to think about?
This is part of my testimony. One that unfortunately but fortunately gives me another way to relate to individuals who have experienced something like this as well.
I overcame. I survived. I'm here to talk about it. God has blessed me to use this to heal others.
Even from something I wish would have never happened, I will choose to remain strong.
I will not let this memory or experience harden me to the world...
Above all...as easy as it would be to choose pity, fear, anger, hatred, guilt or shame, I will choose to rise instead.
I have been weak and now I am strong.
Whatever has happened to you, you shall rise as well.
You have survived and now you have been strengthened. Despite the moments you don't feel you can or want to overcome, make the choice. Lift your chin up. Dust yourself off.
Feel the wound...clean the wound...let that wound heal. Let yourself heal and let yourself rise.
With great vulnerability and love,
**if there is something that has happened and you are struggling to get through it, make sure you reach out to someone.
**if you feel as though there isn't anyone you can reach out to, I promise you there is. That person can be me. Don't force yourself to go to battle alone.