I carry an extremely heavy heart as I post this, so buckle up as I pour out in this post. Per usual, I share these things because I am hoping that me being vulnerable about my adversities can help encourage someone through theirs.
Meaning of grief (According to Webster's Dictionary)
1: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death.
He has been unable to recover from his grief at/over his son's death. She was overcome with/by grief. 2: a cause of deep sadness
the joys and griefs of our lives
Now don't get me wrong, as you read this post, I want you to know that I am not robbing anyone of the grief that someone is experiencing regarding the death of a loved one. That is an entirely different animal so please keep that in mind as you read through this.
I want to talk about the grief that no one seems to mention. The deep sadness or "death" of something that is still living. Whether it be a relationship ending, a chapter closing in your life or even the death of who you used to be. It hurts to lose someone, but sometimes, I believe that leads to far more closure because it is final. It hurts, but you know that it is permanent and there's no turning back from it.
I'm talking about that heart-breaking moment where you just feel so helpless and question whether you should have done more or if you STILL should try and do more. The emptiness that takes over because you just don't know how to move forward, but you know it's necessary. For me, it's hard for me to wrap my head around. It's a different form of heartache that just....sucks.
Now unfortunately, grief is inevitable as is adversity. So we have to do the best we can with what we can. Today, this form of grief cuts deeply. Something happened outside of my control and while having to hold firm on my belief system, lead to a super tragic loss of something so near and dear to my core.
I am partially sitting here in shock, exhaustion, questioning if I should have fought harder. I'm also feeling anger, disappointment and emptiness. I dedicated a great deal of my life to something I believed and advocated so heavily for. I linked every ounce of this to the mission I have set out to conquer in this life. I gave so much of my heart to something that meant the world to me, and it was taken completely out of my hands. Although I've prayed a lot about it and have leaned into my faith to trust that God had to close this chapter, the emotion is all still so raw.
I am grieving a huge death today. A partial death of self.
As you continue reading, please do not feel pity for me. I also ask that you do not reach out to ask what happened. It is an uncomfortable sense of growth and I do know and trust it will all work out as God intends it to, but I want to just share my heart right now.
Have you ever related to this form of grief? Are you currently sitting in this form of grief?
Life is hard.
There is so much that is out of our control. There is so much that happens that can leave us questioning "why" it had to happen. If you are feeling what I'm feeling, I want you to know you are not alone and that I get it. No one has to fully understand and no one can tell you that you should or shouldn't be feeling the grief you are feeling.
But please remember that even in the midst of grief and darkness, we always have a choice. The storm cannot last forever and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. We just need to keep going.
Grief is never final. Grief is not linear. No form of grief is the same.
So be kind to yourself today. Allow your space to grieve but please promise me to pick yourself up. There is always a reason for why things happen, whether it is time for us to know that reason or not. It strengthens us, it exposes change that needs to happen. It offers love in ways we may never understand.
As I sit here grieving this death of a massive chunk of my being, I also look back to all that I was blessed to see, do and accomplish. I was able to serve in such an incredible way that has changed my life so drastically. Without this chapter, I wouldn't be who I am today, serving the way I am today or perceiving the world the way I do. So in the midst of the deep sorrow, I am grateful. I am strong. I am so incredibly loving. I am experienced.
I am faced with a choice. I can wallow in the fact that this death has happened and let this destroy what is next...
I can use this to ignite an even larger fire within me. I can use this as motivation to step into an even larger calling that I wouldn't have been equipped to without this experience.
...I want you to know this for you as well. It's not going to be easy. Not many will know how to help support you through this form of grief, but you WILL rise about this.
In the words of Rascal Flatts,
"Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand."
In conclusion, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I also want you to know that if you are hurting, I am praying for you. I pray God enlightens you to lean into that smallest seed of hope deep inside of you to stand. I pray you know that this form of grief is just as important to acknowledge and is serving more purpose than you know.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, I believe that the pains/deaths of all kinds that have occurred in my life have allowed me to be the medicine to someone else's. If you do not have someone or are struggling to find a way to grieve, please know that I am here. We are all struggling and going through some sort of storm and you are not built to face it alone.
Lastly, thank you for allowing me to pour my heart. I am so grateful for your love and support.
With Love, Gratitude and Empathy,