The Apology

How many of you have struggled...waiting for the apology that you never received? How many of you are still waiting, realizing that it will never happen?

I know for me, the apology is what I used to believe would bring me the sense of closure....all would be well with the world once the other person finally acknowledged and apologized for the way they hurt me.

...But after many apologies that never came to me, I started to do a little bit deeper of reflection on the situation.

I hate being let down...I hate feeling disappointed.

And because of the many situations that have left me feeling this way, it is one of the greatest reasons I do my very best to never let anyone else down or leave them feeling disappointed.

Another thing I began to realize is that the "closure" I said I would gain from the apology was just bullshit. It was my way of holding onto something that I just didn't want to let go of. It wasn't fair. I cared for them so much. I did so much for them. I was hurt and all I wanted was to feel loved. I wanted them to at least show some sort of hurt or remorse for hurting me.

I wanted to feel...like I was enough.

I'll be honest, part of me wanted to see them hurting. I felt I was the only one having to deal with that hurt and face it all myself, while they carried on living a perfect life as if I didn't exist. If I knew they were hurting, it would bring validation to all of the feelings I was experiencing. It would keep me attached to them. We could talk through things...we could communicate what had actually happened. I could justify. I could respond with making them feel the hurt I did, which in turn would somehow make me feel more deserving, respected and worth so much more.

When we feel hurt, it takes us to a dark, low place that makes us feel less than, misunderstood and unworthy. This is intensified when you struggle with knowing and understanding your self worth.

...So many times. No apology.

...So many times...I imagined what it would be like to actually receive it. Would I even be satisfied with it? Would they truly mean their apology? Would they apologize in the way I would expect them to? Would it be enough? Would I even accept it?

I look back on all of the hurt. It didn't happen to me. It happened FOR me.

Those hurtful actions have shaped me. They proved to me all of the reasons why I AM enough. I don't need them to sing to me a sorrowful tune that will make me feel validated for THEIR problems. I don't need to understand why they did what they did...when they equally have their own demons and issues to face.

They served their purpose.

Maybe that experience taught them something. Maybe it didn't. Maybe they regret what they did. Maybe they don't.

What I've learned, is that their actions are not my problem. How I responded at that time, is how I responded. What have I done with that experience since? Am I continuing to waste my energy on why they did what they did? Why they said what they said? Why they let me down?

Or am I thanking them for all of what they did because it helped me recognize more and more just how valuable I am?

Their mistakes and actions are not my responsibility. God brought them into my life for a reason..and He also removed them for a reason. It took a long time to realize and accept the apologies that I never received.

...But I've gained so much more power by not receiving them.

And it also took me to yet another realization...there was a way bigger apology that I wasn't receiving...and that what the apology to myself.

I was so consumed by an acceptance from someone else, I wasn't realizing the acceptance I needed to give to myself.

I deserved to stop feeling like I wasn't good enough for the apology they didn't provide.

I deserved to forgive myself for feeling like I was the problem. I deserved to love me the way they didn't. I deserved to show up for me in the ways they didn't. I deserved to carry on for me...I deserved to forgive....me.

Because through their lack of apologies, I found me. I loved me. I grew for me. I treat others better because I now treat myself better.

So to all of those apologies I never got...I thank you.

I thank God for providing the love and comfort that they weren't capable of giving me. I thank God for allowing me to love me...for me....and to accept...me.

I challenge you reading this to do the same.

Let go of the apology they will never give you.

..Instead...

Forgive yourself.

With Love and Acceptance,

Coach Jayme