Learning to Bring the Beauty Out of the Beast
Well hello there!
I figured I would spend a little time telling you all a little bit about myself but still bring you some of my pondering points that happen to be sitting with me at the moment.
I love that phrase. It's powerful. Intense. Intimidating. Hard. BOSS.
I won't dive in deeply just yet about my past, but I grew to be very hard, angry and bitter, while remaining very broken. Following this, I even became numb. Let's be real though...I still wore my emotions...more specifically my thoughts, on my sleeve.
The concept of appearing soft, letting people in, or that ooey gooey love emotion-Nope. I ain't havin' it. I even had a guy I had started dating tell me that he wanted to cuddle....I about threw up in my mouth. I thought, "Go buy a teddy bear, dude."
Emotions...Beasts don't need them. When they do, it's because it's protection mode. Fighting mode....or so I made myself believe. Walls were up like nobody's business. It was easier that way.
Just a little over a year ago, and I'm about to get really real here as this is a pretty embarrassing thing for me to share, I had gotten home from yet another ridiculously long day. Oh-another side note! I became addicted to working because as long as I was busy, I was never forced to be alone with my own thoughts.
WARNING: A Beast left alone with their own thoughts....No. Bueno.
Anyways...I had pulled into the driveway super late in the evening. I was exhausted...Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I just sat there in my car....decided to turn on some Christian music. I knew I needed to let God come in on this one...I put on one of my favorite worship songs, leaned back and closed my eyes. I felt my lips start quivering...my eyeballs started to pulse...and then a really heavy feeling in my chest. The tears started forming...
NOPE! I shut my car off and walked inside. Even alone, I refused to cry. Now here's the ugly truth...I walked in the house, threw my 8 bags of stuff that I had to drag around with me daily on the floor, and laid down right in the middle of my kitchen floor.
"Listen, Jayme. You are a beast. Beasts don't cry. So what else can you do? Cause your ass is not about to lose it. People have it way worse...how dare you even think that you deserve to show empathy for yourself? Alright, since you can't cry, go grab some cookie dough out of the fridge."
(side note, clearly that was not a fun alternative because although I love me some cookie dough, the devouring of it and how shitty I felt afterward now just added salt to the many wounds I refused to recognize)
How pathetic is that?! Even being completely alone, I refused to show my emotion.
Something had to give. I was the biggest hypocrite I knew. I would pour so much compassion in uplifting everyone around me but I wouldn't even do it for myself. But hey, I was a beast, remember?
An ugly beast behind closed doors...
Now I've been on a journey of major personal development and strengthening my relationship with God for about the last 3 or 4 years, but old habits don't leave that easily. This wasn't fun. I had to change something. How is it that I can care so deeply for everyone around me but not even care for my own self?
Choice. I had one and I needed to make it NOW.
So, I did. I started getting vulnerable....I started asking for help. I hated asking for help. I hated needing anyone. I still sometimes struggle with asking, but it's gotten much better.
I started...crying...or as I used to call it, leaking, like the Grinch says in the Jim Carey version.
A weight had been lifted. I started feeling better. I wasn't blocking emotions. I was actually allowing myself to feel them. The good, the bad, the wonderful, the not so wonderful.
Whether you are a man or a woman, we all just desire one thing.
To be able to love and to be HAVE love.
This all starts from within though. I learned to love myself...not feeling guilty for owning who I am or who I was. By allowing myself to start loving me, I noticed how much more I was able to give to those around me. I began to notice gratitude, abundance and happiness all around me. I introduced Beauty to her own Beast.
Holy. Hot. Damn. What a love connection between the Beauty meeting her Beast!
So now, I've balanced. That's where the term BeautyBeasts comes into play in case you ever hear me use that term.
So my final note to leave you on, since clearly I left you all with a novel.
Thanks for hangin in there by the way...
Whether you are a woman or a man, embrace both. Know it is okay to be strong, protective, masculine...but also that it is equally necessary to love, be nurturing, emotional, kind, and feminine. It's all about balance.
I hope I was able to at least impact one person from this.
So if you're still reading, my ask for you...Unleash your inner BeautyBeast.
If you struggle with how, reach out. I would love to help show you how to
face the inner battles that seem to be constantly taking place internally.
With LOVE and Gratitude,
God bless you all!