I'm Certain That I'm Uncertain!
Life has a funny way of leading us exactly where we need to go. The more awareness you place on what's happening within you and how it aligns around you, you have a better grasp of how the clues on what is to come lie right there in front of you.
Now as I dive into this particular blog, I want to state my intentions:
I hope that this confuses the shit of you but manages to make so much sense all at the same time. I hope this allows you to look at things a little differently but also makes you look at those same things more intentionally as well.
Alright...so let's do this shit!
I've spent a great deal of my life feeling misunderstood and that I didn't fit in anywhere.
I've felt like I'm obnoxiously social but am obsessed with being alone. I've also felt like I was just a normal person...not functioning at any different level than anyone else...just making it through life...knowing things could be worse, but not really thinking that I was capable of being or having anything better than what I have right now. On the flip side, I've spent a great deal of time...working my ass off and know that I don't think or act like everyone else. I don't stop. I don't even own a TV, furniture-other than my bed- and I never stop working.
So now that you have a little bit of a background of where my brain is on a regular basis, which is CLEARLY all over the place, I want to share with you an experience that spoke to my soul...and I believe was one of those "clues" that life placed right in front of me.
One day, I was scrollin' the 'Gram, when I stumbled across a place in Connecticut called "The Book Barn." It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was so intrigued by this page. It was literally an outdoor book store..with little barns and cute trailers that had HUNDREDS of used books. You could buy books, sell books, hang out and read books and you could even pet some goats or adopt cats while you were there! I just felt this pull that I HAD to go check it out.
So a few weeks later, I made the trip. I was in awe of the environment and the energy that bled from this place. So...many...books. I was in HEAVEN.
Then, this random book grabbed my attention. I can't even tell you why, but I picked it up...and just knew I had to get it. It was called "The Principles of Uncertainty." It was the first book I grabbed and when quickly skimming through the pages, I quickly gathered this was not a book I would typically read. It was almost like a picture book...with very few words on each page...yet it almost seemed like a journal as well.
The next morning I sat outside with my coffee and out of the eleven books I bought that day, I still couldn't help but go straight to that one.
It was like a journal...There was random gibberish about people, places, and things...with pictures that the author had drawn to go along with them.
I'll be real with you...for the majority of people who would read this book, they would say it makes absolutely no fucking sense. In all honesty, half of the shit she was talking about...it didn't make sense to me.
...Yet...somehow it made perfect sense.
Some of the writing talked about the small random gifts or pieces of conversation that stuck with the author throughout her journey. Some of it talked about death, shitty people, unfortunate circumstances. Some consisted of the observations she came across while just staring at the people and things happening around her.
This woman is speaking DIRECTLY TO MY SOUL. How is this even possible?
At times, we get wrapped up in all of the ugly in this world, the disappointments, the sorrow and how much tragedy is all around us all the time. Why does this all happen? Why does it keep happening? Will anything ever change? What is the point in trying if shit is just going to keep ruining it? How can we sit here in happiness, knowing that so many people are living a life with unhappiness? Guilt. Shame. Lost. Brokenness.
Are we wasting our time trying to force ourselves to make the best of what we have, knowing that life is just going to shit on us?
Life is so so beautiful. To position your focus on life happening around you, when no one knows you're watching...oh my goodness...it hits the soul differently.
When you see that elderly couple walking and holding hands, the innocence and pure joy of a child when they are giggling uncontrollably...the dog that keeps attacking and chasing after his own tail...when you see someone lending a helping hand to an absolute stranger...someone in the moment, taking a picture of something that brings them awe and a sense of happy...the celebration of someone winning a race or conquering a new skill for the first time...someone awkwardly on their first date...the jitters...yet complete electricity when they are looking at one another...
How wonderful of a world we live in!
....This all leads me to my next point.
The world is always turning. Everyone is experiencing highs and lows at different points in their journey at different times.
Young and old...we hit phases where we have the world by the balls...we've recognized the key to success, happiness and what the purpose of life is. Then, we get punched in the mouth...feeling defeated, not knowing what in the hell we are doing or what anything even means anymore.
We love the process. Then, we hate it. We are in a moment of pure bliss, and then, we are sucked into a dark insanity...certain that the world and everything in it is out to destroy us.
It's crazy, isn't it? Or maybe it's just me. Either way, I'm extremely certain that I have no idea what is going on...yet I know EXACTLY what is going on.
Depending on the mood and the day, I see this differently. Sometimes, I hit lows where I feel fear, regret and worry that the actions I've taken were a complete fuck up and I deserve to feel the misery because I brought it upon myself. Some days, I catch myself glad that I made the decisions that I had because I would be in a terrible place had I not. Majority of days, though, I recognize that life has been happening for me and God has led me on the right path with everything going exactly according to plan.
There's so much in this short life of mine so far that I've experienced and endured...yet it's not even a sliver of what is really out there.
I'll be honest, I love and appreciate what I've had to grow through so far...and there's definitely been a lot of ugly no doubt...but it taught me everything I know and because of that, I now am able to help a shit ton of people.
...But I still have no idea what the fuck I am doing...and I'm a mess.
...But the messes we are in bring us clarity-when we allow ourselves and take the time to clean it up.
So if you were intrigued enough by my madness, I lead to you the point I've been trying to make this entire time.
There is so much power that lies in certainty and uncertainty alike.
We will have so much figured out...maybe way more in certain areas than others...Yet we will never have it all figured out. It leaves so much room for opportunity and exploration. I'm extremely certain that life will continue to have moments of absolute struggle, disappointment, heartache and negativity...and I'm certain life will continue to provide blessings, peace, excitement, growth and positivity. Without one, we wouldn't have or would we appreciate the other.
So take pride that you have no idea what you are doing right now. Own that you are in a moment that you have all of your shit together and everything makes sense. The moments will continue.
...And I'm certain you will never figure it out but figure it all out.
With Love and Certain Uncertainty,